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We have no legal rights to Stella. Elfy was there from inception, but because we live in the great state of Michigan, she was not allowed to put her name on the birth certificate (Floja birthed Stella). However, Elfy has always been Stella's primary parent, so when they split up, it was, and continues to be, very difficult for both Elfy and Stella to be apart.
Because Elfy is who she is, she began paying child support to Floja for Stella from the moment she walked out the door. She began by paying a huge amount, and then over time, lowered it to what the courts would actually have awarded Floja had there been some legal intervention. She pays it every week (because she gets paid every week), and through an automated account, so she is never late and it is never varied.
However, in spite of Floja's repeated proclamations to Elfy that they are both equal parents, it is often made clear to us that one parent has the responsibilities, and the other has the rights. I'll let you guess who is who. More about that in another post. Or seven.
Around Thanksgiving, Floja asked Elfy what our plans were for celebrating Christmas with Stella. Elfy works midnights and Floja works days. At the same plant. Nice, huh? The point here being that they have the same holiday schedule. In this case, it was a four-day weekend for Christmas, and a four-day weekend for New Year's.
We expressed an interest in having Stella for New Year's weekend. Our motivation was two-fold - first, to be completely honest, we wouldn't have the boys with us over the Christmas weekend. They were going to Chicago to be with their dad. Second, Elfy knew that Floja would never give up Christmas morning with Stella, and she didn't think it was fair to Stella to have to be with us for two days, then go home to her mom's house late Christmas Eve night, then hurry up and open presents with her mom on Christmas morning, only to have to leave them all and rush back over to our house. In short, she didn't want to split the holiday.
So we express an interest in New Year's weekend, Thursday to Sunday. We are informed that actually, Floja plans to visit her girlfriend's family in Ohio that weekend, and that Stella's 'presence has been requested'. Translation = UG's family (Ugly Girlfriend - and that would be a commentary on her personality more than her looks) wants to give Stella presents, and wants Stella to be there to show gratitude.
We reply that while this is nice, Elfy is Stella's parent, and we respectfully request one of the holiday weekends with her. In full. With no interruptions and back-and-forths. Floja replies that she'll have to see what she can work out, and will let us know.
Weeks go by. Nothing is said. Elfy waits at work on a few occasions to try and talk to Floja, who appears to be avoiding her. The date creeps closer. Family members of ours are asking when we'll get together to celebrate with the kids. We have to keep telling them we don't know yet.
The plant decides to shut down for the week between Christmas and New Year, meaning that Elfy and Floja are both off for that full week.
The boys leave for Chicago. It's now two days before Christmas. Still nothing has been said. Elfy is reluctant to call her because she's tired of continuously feeling like she's begging for time with her own child. She wants to wait for Floja. I am getting nervous. Based on past Floja behavior, it is a very real possibility in my mind that she won't call. The holidays will come and go, and we just won't get to see Stella at all. And beyond just not getting to see Stella, Floja will paint the picture for everyone she can get to listen (including some people in Elfy's family) that we just didn't care enough to call her, so she assumed we didn't want to see Stella. She's done worse in the past.
On Christmas Eve, as Elfy and I are driving to my parents' house for dinner, she decides to call Floja and find out what's going on. Floja says that she'll be taking Stella with her to Ohio the follow Thursday morning through Sunday. Period. But that we can pick her up Christmas Day (Saturday) in the afternoon, and keep her until Thursday morning if we want to.
So here's the catch. Elfy's family gathers on Christmas Day for a big family dinner and opening presents. It's a tradition that Floja herself participated in for several years, so she knows the drill. But we won't get the boys back until Tuesday. With all the insanity of preparation for Christmas, Sunday and Monday are our only days to spend together relaxing. Without kids.
(OK - side note. Now, I realize that it may sound a little selfish to some. But think about it from my perspective for a second. Elfy and I are, in effect, newlyweds that have never been without kids around us. Not that we're allowed to get married legally, but we are still a fairly new couple. And when we got together, we had an instant family. My two boys live with us full time, and Stella comes over 2-3 weekends per month. So our time alone has, from the beginning, been a very precious commodity. And the kids are at very needy ages - 4, 6 and 7. And we're not big TV parents. We may be reluctant and whiny about our responsibilities at times, but we do take them pretty seriously.)
So in effect, we are faced with the choice of having Stella for basically four-and-a-half days and giving up our time alone (which, by the way, was our only Christmas present to each other this year). Or... get her on Tuesday when we go to get the boys, and only have her for two days.
I held my breath and let Elfy decide, and she decided to pick Stella up on Tuesday morning. I breathed a guilty sigh of relief.
We arrive at her parents' house on Christmas Day, childless. Her sister walks in and, true to form, neglects to say hello or 'Merry Christmas', but just skips straight to, "Where's Stella?"
"With her mom", replies Elfy.
"Well, she told me that you could have her as of this afternoon." she shoots back, her voice full of accusation. The other siblings and their mom are now looking at us, too. My heart rate has shot up.
"Well, she says a lot of things", I blurt out, somewhat calmly, even though my voice is shaking underneath.
Her sister snorts and walks away, muttering something about "Well, she said she could have come here, if you'd wanted her..." I am now furious and ready to fight. Elfy takes my hand and looks me steadily in the eyes. "Not worth it", she mouths.
We go into the back bedroom under the guise of wrapping a last-minute present. Instead, I fume and hiss angrily, and my sweet Elfy cries. Sometimes I really hate her sister.
We feel the judgment for the rest of the day, with absolutely no interest in understanding our very complicated situation with all of it's layers of emotion and decisions and turmoil and angst.
Instead, we leave before anyone else, having sat apart from all but the youngest brother and his girlfriend - the 'other' non-married-with-child couple in the family. The only ones who seem to hold no judgment over us - only love. We return to our cozy, child-less house, and curl up to take refuge in each others arms.
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