Ah, Family...

Elfy has been out to her family for more than 15 years. Before me, she was in an 11-year relationship that produced a child into this family.

But from watching her family, you'd think they had just figured out that she's gay.

I know this will seem a little petty and possibly self-indulgent, but if you can't get away with that on your own blog, where can you? So you've been warned.

Elfy chooses not to have much of a virtual life. She barely checks email at this point (and that means about once every couple of weeks), and does not have a Facebook or any other social media profile. She's quite competent with the computer, but just doesn't spend much time on it.

I, on the other hand, am her extreme opposite in this manner. I practically live in front of the computer these days, have three active email accounts, and maintain a fairly high online profile, including have well over 300 'friends' on Facebook.

Back when we got together, I already had a FB profile but Elfy's ex, Floja, did not. A few months after we'd been together, and I'd been 'friended' by Elfy's mom, sister, brother, aunts and a couple of cousins, Floja got onto FB and asked to also be all of their 'friends'. Elfy's mom came to me and asked if I was alright with her accepting Floja's friend request. She said she wanted to check with me first out of respect for my feelings and not being sure how it would impact me if she was her friend. She also mentioned that she wanted to be able to keep up with Floja's kids, and that this was her main motivation. Frankly, I didn't like it. But I didn't think it would be a big deal, and I felt like it really wasn't my place to tell my sweetheart's mom with whom she could be associating, so I thanked her for her consideration, and said that it was fine with me.

Since then, there's been a deterioration, shall we say, of the relationships with Elfy's sister and brother, primarily. And their spouses. Here is what they have said to us, nearly verbatim:

"Please don't be affectionate in front of our kids. We don't want to have to answer any questions." (from brother and his wife)

"I don't agree with your lifestyle. I think it's wrong. But I love my sister, so I will tolerate you because I don't want to lose her." (from sister)

Nothing like feeling the love.

In addition to these comments, over time, Floja and UG (Ugly Girlfriend - and not because of her face) have both 'friended' the siblings and spouses and cousins (mom is no longer on FB at all), and used their access to part of my profile information (through being 'friends of friends') against us in arguments. I've since changed my privacy settings.

I have, at various moments, felt as though I were the offending party in a situation with one of the siblings, and have attempted conversations with her sister to remedy both the situation and the relationship. I have been overtly ignored. There is clearly no desire to mend anything there.

I 'de-friended' all of the siblings, spouses and cousins.

With her brother and his wife, we've talked more openly about the 'distance' that they have sensed from us, and they wondered why we weren't friends anymore on FB. When I told them that it had caused problems for us with Floja and UG because of not realizing that they could see some of my stuff, I had decided to defriend them all. Their reaction? "Oh. We get that. Okay then."

You may be thinking, "Wow, this really is pretty petty, Ellen..." In which case I would ask you - what if you felt you couldn't be 'friends' with some member of your family on FB because they had chosen to be 'friends' with your or your spouse's ex? Would you feel alienated from your own family? Would you feel like they were choosing sides, and not with you? Would you feel like perhaps their loyalties were a little misplaced?

Well, that's how Elfy and I feel about it. And it hurts. And I wish that were all there were to it.

In the month of December, we held a birthday party for Stella which was boycotted quietly by sister's husband, and brother and wife didn't get Stella a gift or even a card.

Later in the month, we were called by her mom to come for sister's birthday a few days before Christmas. We sent sister a text that day wishing her happy birthday ('thanks' was the reply). We showed up that night only to find out that sister had called everyone except us to cancel the dinner due to her sick child. Now, everyone gets sick kids - no complaint that the party was canceled. But why didn't we get the same call?

We found out that same evening that a very young cousin, who was expecting a baby in early February, had gotten very seriously ill and had delivered the baby by emergency C-section. Both she and the baby nearly lost their lives in the process - it was very touch-and-go for a few days. Sister put herself in charge of calling everyone. Except us.

This is the same sister that was so nasty on Christmas Day (read previous post).

It just keeps piling up.

OK, I promise the next post will not be so bitter.