On Sunday, Elfy and I decided to join the Unitarian Universalist church that we've been attending with the kids on and off for the past year or so. We attended a class about membership and the history of the denomination along with four other great women, and then were formally welcomed into the congregation this past weekend.
Something I never thought about before coming out was what the difference is between being 'tolerated' and being 'accepted'. In theory, I would have argued in favor of acceptance, and I probably would have had very strong opinions about it, but they would not have been based on true experience.
Since coming out, I have experienced both.
Being 'tolerated' means that someone will put up with your presence in their home, family, space, etc. but they won't invest in you. They won't ask how you're really doing. They do not take any real interest in your life outside of where it intersects with theirs. They will attach rules or standards or expectations to how you should behave in their presence. If you are struggling with anything, they will assign the blame for your struggles to whatever path you have chosen with which they disagree.
Being 'accepted' is the opposite. It means that someone will not judge you. They will not attach rules or standards or expectations about how you are to behave in their presence. They will not only 'allow' you to be you, and respect you for it, but they will also embrace who you are, invest in you, and genuinely care about your struggles, joys, and general well-being. They are curious about and interested in you.
This UU church is not my first. However, it is the first place where I have felt genuinely accepted, welcomed and embraced as a whole person, just as I am. My children are taught in the Sunday school that they come from the most important kind of family there is - the kind that shows them unconditional love. And we are surrounded by other families, some of which look something like ours, and all of which are accepting and embracing of ours.
This journey of life is hard. I am finding it especially challenging as part of this not-so-typical blended family. And moments like yesterday, where we were welcomed into a larger group just as we are, make it all worth while.
